Where am I...?
I like reflecting every now and then to see where where I am. And, thankfully, I have no idea.
I feel like the more sure I am of where I'm going, the more I tend to shift to autopilot. I read a book once about psychedelics and how the affect the brain (for the better.) It talked about how they turn on certain brain circuits and quiet others so that you have a broader consciousness, i.e. take in new information. I think being on autopilot is the opposite, when you start to ignore new information.
That's why I hate being on autopilot. It prevents me from really seeing how things are. Instead, I see things how I'm used to seeing them. And that's when I shut down, when I feel like things aren't as new as they used to be, or that I'm stuck being the way I was in the past.
Times I've been sure of where I'm going where like during high school and college. I always expected the same thing--class and studying and wake up to do it again. It didn't require me to take in any new information because I could always expect what was coming my way.
Instead, there have been times where I had no idea what was coming my way. Like going on a trip and having no idea where I am (being lost), or moving to Austin. In these instances I have to fully engage with the world in front of me because I have no autopilot to go to. Being lost forces you to find your way out.
One of the reasons I'm so happy is that I feel that I'm fully engaging with life, rather than going through the motions. I feel like I have to continuously respond to it and make a decision--something that I rarely had to do back home. It wasn't until a few years ago that I even learned the street names around my house. I just knew enough to find my way home. Now, I can get around the city using most street names because I'm actually taking them in as I go through them.
It's hard to explain why being on autopilot brings me down so much, but it's essentially that I stop interacting with the world around me, and therefore have the energy to get inside my head.
And if there's one thing I can say about your mind, it's that you shouldn't spend too much time in there.
So I think for now I am going to embrace the the parts of my life that I'm lost in. I'm leaving the restaurant I work at, I'm leaving my apartment, and I'm leaving the part of myself that blocks people off.
What I hope to find is more engagement with the things in front of me.
